Completely and utterly human

Nice advert. I hope you don't get any offers.

2007-08-06T02:04:00.001-07:00

India was…Exhausting and funny. I had 4 days of tummy trouble there and another 4 days of something called a stomach migraine when I came back to Brunei. The trip was something out of ‘lonely planet’, on the travel channel, I tell you.

Haven’t had much of a real rest, was playing catch up with friends…And of course, trying to get used to the total eclipse of my heart. Things have been changing so fast, the more I feel like I need silence and alone time, the more it scares me. I don’t need it.

I don’t need silence anymore. Silence is deafening. I’m not comfortable with silence, because silence is not quiet. You will be drowned by the quiet of your thoughts in your own silence.

In India, I gave meditation a try. I followed the instructions very clearly, but I think I’m just no good at letting my soul drift for relaxation. I struggled to acquire true silence and relaxation; I get bored and I start to peek to check on the others. Yes, I am very distracted. In the silence of my heart, there is always a battle poised to begin. Oh well.

All the thoughts of me wanting to slow down, has not happened yet. I am too busy partying, recovering, and catching up with my abandoned workload and whatever. Anyhow, I am enjoying my days a lot better now than before. It’s great to welcome a new set of crowd into my life again. It’s like watching a series of still frames, somehow animated and I shall be the grateful audience.

I realize, with all the drama I had to face, that phrase of my life was like an album of photographs for everyone to see. I did try to reach out to break the mould of what I became. I thought I was trapped in there forever but then again, in the midst of my rollercoaster ride, its not that none of you didn’t try to inspect my image at a given moment. I did not fade; when I thought I felt jaded. But, dear readers, I might feel great. But on the whole, I am that rarity, still an oxymoron. I am self aware.

Its too late to apologize

2007-07-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

I've been having so much free time, I slept too much and now I have a stiff neck. I'm uploading tonnes of pictures on my multiply this weekend, but you don't get to see it if you're not my friend.

I'm off to India on Sunday. Not kidding. Some sort of training I have to undergo before enhanching my new title as,... I don't really remember.

I promise a good read once my stiff neck recovers. It has been AGES. I've been talking rubbish.

Sometimes love is not enough

2007-07-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

So i've been trying to pack my things since 10.00pm here, and its already 3.20am. Its great that i'm not sleepy at all, atleast I go home a little less jet-lagged, 87% confused body clock and no working watch to keep me wondering on the airplane.

One suitcase is as heavy as a pregnant goat with twins, let alone the bigger one. I spent 20 freggin minutes taking out perfumes, lotions and other sorts of rubbish I bought out of their packaging. So I have one pregnant goat with one baby only, and an overweight moose with horns to pass through check-in with fingers and toes crossed hoping that I get pass excess baggage. I already know what to leave if I get charged for excess baggage. These stupid little stones I bought from the mountains, i'd sell them for 25cents each by the airport check-in counter. Thats what i'm gonna do. I'll sell all the free gifts I got from Clarins too; if I really have to.

Gosh, its another 2 travelling days for me again. I'm getting sick of waking up half-deaf because you fall asleep with the headphones on, and you look at the time; how now brown cow, another 9 hours. Anyhow. I can't wait to be back home, say hello to my fishes in the tank and the smelly cat, kids at home and my oh my bed. And unpack. And get some astro and indon tv.

I'll continue packing in the morning. After all, my flight is at 6pm. Sweet, sweet time.

Good morning Canadians. Good night Bruneians.

Who am I to say

2007-06-30T19:42:00.001-07:00

Now you're a song I love to sing.

Mountain girl

2007-06-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

Time alone is fantastic, but does it count when your phone goes off every few minutes? Managed to clear my head, made a mental note on a few things to look forward to and a few things to get rid off when I come back home.

I took a taxi home the other day;

(Pakistani taxi driver)
Driver: Ma'am you don't look like you coming from Canada; are you from chinese?
Me: Ah... No i'm not from chinese at all
Driver: Oh yes I kindly figured, your nose too strong to be from a chinese born.
Me: My nose is special
Driver: So your country where you are from, everyone have nose like you and look pretty and tall?
Me: I said my nose is special, nobody has it. People are alot smaller than me in my country.
Driver: Where are you from?
Me: Brunei.
Driver: Borneo country island? Very rich, good life there, big castle yes.
Me: Borneo island, yes life is great.
Driver: So I heard King is friendly with the public?
Me: Yea, were best friends.
Driver: WOW you must be rich! Really your friend?
Me: Nope.
Driver: So you have mixed blood? Impossible to say you are pure brunai, too white.
Me: Yes
Driver: Mix with...?
Me: Beef rendang and enlish muffins and tandoori chiken.
Driver: (HAHAHAHA) Okay ma'am, almost at your street. I stop the meter here so I can give you good discount.
Me: Okay, how much does it say on the meter?
Driver: $14
Me: Thats exactly what I pay every taxi ride here you silly.
Driver: Ok I give you $10 because you are funny
Me: You bet!

I'm going up to Banff (Mountain, somewhere in Alberta) in a few hours, staying at a 5-star hotel for two nights with my cousin and nephews. I actually can't wait go home, I leave on Sunday; I reach on Tuesday. I have so much to look forward to, especially that someone who made everything worth the fight. Its been a few months of crazy war, but things do fall into place at the right time.

I need to pack my winter coat. And feed the cat.

Damai.

Two tuesdays

2007-06-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

This is my second tuesday. I have spent 2 days travelling and I am exhausted!

I spent a few hours in Hong Kong, I wasn't tired yet though. They threw away my travel toiletries and I was furious. Oh well. I had a sleepless 13 hour flight to Vancouver, sat next to a little old chinese lady who speaks absolutely no english- funny how I understood whatever she said to me.

I cried a little bit on the plane, on my way to Vancouver. Watched this Korean love story, twice. The airplane view of Vancouver is absolutely gorgeous, mountains with snow on its peak.

Vancouver is a lot like Melbourne, I spent the whole day in the city and did a little bit (ALOT) of shopping at Richmond Centre. I packed some clothes to change in my hand carry, but I am wearing new clothes from top to toe. My carry is at least 5kg heavier.

I've another hour and a half before I leave for Calgary. My eyes are bloodshot, my cheeks and lips are hot and red. My Easi credit is running out too.

Its 10.00am Brunei time and 7.00pm Canada time. I'll be off to make a few phonecalls and fall asleep on the waiting chairs here.

I forgave you a million times over when you said no word of apology. When you finally said it to me, I start to remember things I don't want to remember. When I run away from you, you do all that you can to make me stay. Make me change my mind, because I am a few hours away to where I want to be. Be good to me, just be good to me. You are a big decision. Promise me things worth while. I ran because you took things a little too far.

Star Bucks first. Be good everyone. Sleep tight.

Calgary, muffins and Didi's pretty heels.

2007-06-14T01:19:00.000-07:00

Its travel time for me and my friends eh. But I’m off for a different cause. Half of my friends are off to KL for 6 days of club hopping. Another half is off to Bangkok to chase after transvestites and weird looking animals on dancing poles.

I am off to Calgary, Canada for quite some time…for cowboys and mountains. On my own. I leave on the 19th from Hong Kong…and then Vancouver… and then I’m in Calgary. Sometimes I can’t wait to leave but sometimes I don’t want to be away for too long. Either way, when my friends are back in Brunei, I’ll still be away; a little longer.

If I don’t run off with a cowboy, I’m probably going to be miserable and I’ll be blogging about a lot of things. Time alone, would be a blessing for me right now.

Happy 21st birthday to my soul sister Lina, on the right. Left is my younger sister Lydia. I texted her a long happy birthday message in the middle of the night but she called me in the morning crying, because she never got the message and she thought I had forgotten. She's not coming back for her holidays next month. But thats okay, I can only take small doses of her. I love you, you crazy woman with big hair and short legs with chocolate smelling fingers.

Happy 21st birthday to my cold sausage fingers Aimi, too. She's off to New York next week. But i'll have her back in Brunei by July.

Both of them are throwing a huge birthday bash in Melbourne tonight. I so much wish I was there. They will call me every hour after another though ;)

Not to worry, I'll be celebrating their birthday here too, tonight. Right, Didi? Hehe.

I just stuffed two big ass banana muffins and I have futsal training in 20 mins at Harun gym with our so handal Dragonfly girls. I sure feel like I can taste the muffins when I go on a burp fest later after some 100plus.

I'm off to pick up my second husband, Princess Didi, and check out her new turquios heels with sparkly diamonds on it.

Damai~

Mari kita berlari

2007-06-11T01:04:00.000-07:00

The last post was a little bit too angry, yes?

I woke up from no sleep at all today. I got home pretty late from Sugar and Spice, finally settled in bed around 2ish. Phone went off madly, and the funny thing is, I still engage in long conversations one phone call after another. The last call was a 5am wake up call, actually. As much as I want to, I wouldn’t switch my damn phone off. Not even put it on silent mode; the world is against it.

So much of a groggy morning, I put on bright pink hari raya shoes to match my not pink baju kurung and not pink tudong. Oh well. I left home too early; too early to realize that the sun reflects pink light off my shoes.

Yesterday, I went for a beautifully painful 2 hour jog where I walked quite a bit when I see no cars pass by. Don’t you just feel a lot cooler when you look like you’re running really fast in the middle of a heavy traffic? It wasn’t such a lazy jog lah; I’ve had worse lazy jogging days.

I look for a particular feeling when I’m running alone. That feeling is what pushes me to run; it makes me crave for it. It is some kind of painful trance; you get it when you are on a persistent pace, a little faster than your normal pace. But you don’t stop, you force your strength to run that extra kilometer and another one and another one. You start thinking about things you don’t have time to think about, it makes you lose your track of time. You’re thoughts are so deep, you’re not even listening to your mp3 anymore. But the feeling doesn’t last long though, you get distracted a lot. And when it happens, you go through the whole process again. Ok, maybe I sound a little bit mad now.

I get distracted while running when I see motorcycles, bicycles, ice-cream or Pepsi signs, god damn ice cream vans and friends passing by. But I feel so lonely when I jog. I become conscious of my existence and how alone I feel sometimes. It is pretty ironic how I really don’t want to jog with anyone and whine about feeling lonely at the same time. I don’t want to have anyone competing against my pace, minding my sweat and my jiggling thighs. It takes a lot of concentration, energy and labored breathing to finish a good run from home to polo club and back home again.

I also have one specific walking tune and a few important running tunes. Or else, I just won’t go any further. Its ‘world, hold on by Bob Sinclare, white sand by sunlounger and black cherry by goldfrapp’ when running like a mad woman. Always ‘semua untuk cinta by mike’ the few minute walk back home.

I’m definitely not running or playing football today. I’ll be sleeping the entire evening. When I wake up at night, I’ll be blowing those toxic smelling balloons that come with yellow straws; with my young siblings. And then cling-wrap my sisters face with it because she’s been so moody.

Damai.

There are a few things that terrify me. Most things don’t.

2007-06-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

Dogs

Walking towards my car at the parking lot can be soul shaking if I see a dog, a few dogs or one ugly looking dog. I used to love puppies because they are cute- not anymore. A few years ago, I went jogging around the back of Pusing Lagi at JP. 3 crazy dogs chased me all the way home. Never in my life have I ever run that fast- I was sore all over in the morning.

Dogs stare at me; they want to bite me and eat me alive.

Swallowing pills

Not a great fan of vitamins, paracetamol, anti-biotics- you name it. I’d rather take a jab or drink green-yucky-mud tasting jamu. I would walk around, proud of my attention seeking skills with snot running out of my nose feeling like shit underneath shit.

Thunder

Like in the movies, I’d sit right up with ware wolf eyes if thunder and lightning strikes. If it sounds bearable, I’d sleep through it underneath 4 pillows; if it sounds like a KORN concert, I’ll be knocking on my sisters’ bedroom door. Yes, I’ve been doing that since I first started walking.

My parents

Out of respect. I get the angry side of me from both my parents.

Other than that, realistically, unless you’re a dog- you don’t scare me. Most of my friends reading this would probably agree that I am strict and very short-tempered. I’ve had my public unveilings a few times- I get so frustrated and angry people start pulling me away. My friends recommended anger management on my last tantrum; which was only a few weeks ago.

I’m not talking about bitch fits and I’ll-punch-you-in-the-face-if-you-backstab-me kind of tantrums. I’m usually very sharp, quick and strict when I encounter things that are not right. I will never let anybody get away with anything once it has come to my attention. My cheating ex-bf gave me at least 17 text messages telling me how I ruined his life when I embarrassed him in public for being caught red handed with a lady who used to think I was hot (go figure). Excuse me, but he is not being realistic at all. Its not like he doesn’t know my capability to blow up, he was fishing for it so he can cry himself silly and finally pick me as a reason of his failure in life. He wouldn’t pick up his phone to talk; he wouldn’t show up and say it to my face. For a person with this kind of courage- he talks so big. Don’t play stupid with me lah, main kanak-kanak.

I’ve had a number of girls, who have tainted their friendster accounts with hate notes for me. I have had a few websites made for me and my cousins too, very entertaining indeed. I got used to all the maliciousness around me. The funny thing is, I have never had anyone, I swear, nobody has ever come up to me to say what they want to say, in my face. Not even a mean little text message or a phone-call on my mobile phone. Along the way, I have learned that, its not that they have nothing better to do- they would just rather do me. But it all goes away when I request a word with them. But, yang palui nya, yang inda siuk nya, orang yang inda mengakun. Because it is not fair. I have always been a very siuk sendiri kind of person. I choose my friends carefully. I don’t owe anyone anything at all, I am pretty direct with you if I’m not happy with certain things, but main belakang-belakang is just not acceptable.

I’m quite relaxed when it comes to my problems though, yes, that is what I call relaxed. But if anything, if anything at all, happens to any one of my siblings- I will haunt you down and do everything in my power to make sure you shit your pants and beat yourself silly.

What inspired me to write this very mean post? Because I am about to meet someone who was very rude to my sister. Apparently when mum drove her to work, she highlighted this person in front of her for not driving properly. Little did she know, he works with my sister? How dare he, call my sister to his office to bang his hand on the table and say ‘f*ck’ out loud, telling her how she ruined his day and what not. I will never, ever, entertain anybody’s reason, tolerate their explanation or give them a bloody chance- once you have crossed the line with people I love more than my own life. Any given second that you have made my sister feel small, when you have hurt her, embarrass her and insult her integrity- I shall remind you how it feels like to be human again. I am extremely protective of my own flesh and blood, unless it says in the law that you can say those things you have said- I will not rest until I get him in trouble. Not only will my sister file for workplace harassment, I will make sure that report haunts him until he does the hanky-panky dance in front of me.

Damai.

Manic Monday

2007-05-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

Diet. Garfield said to diet means to 'die with a 't'. That cat was fat. but happy at least. most dieters aren't, yours truly included.blah. LL said to me today, 'post!'. yes yes, this is my pathetic offering ladies and gentlemen. I've had writer's block. plus, I've been dieting. No carbs mean less blood flow to the brain, hence the lack of lustre and energy to come up with something exciting.
I saw today that anakbrunei read my tribute to my dad.:) and left a nice comment too! I am very very chuffed that he would take the time to leave his comment. My reply sir, to your comment would be that there is no doubt in my mind that you are as much as a gift to your children as my dad is to me! :)
I walked the Big Walk yesterday. I am extremely proud of my partner in crime. She did a great job organising the whole thng. Hats off to her and her team. *applause*
I met a few celebrity bloggers at the Big Walk! One particularly vivacious blogger made me laugh all the way with his crazy wit! A great Sunday all in all! P/S. Actually, i take that back. it was a great Sunday morning. the afternoon sucked coz I dint get to go riding.
A few words on riding and my Harley. I think my Harley was and will remain the best purchase of 2007. I have never been one to engage in risky ventures. I am , some people might say, 'over cautious'. But, the thrill of riding my bike is ..i don't know..'wow'. My apologies for not being able to put it better. I will never forget the day Sexy Biker said to me 'why don't u get a Harley?'haha. the idea of me riding a Harley seemed so preposterous then. and look at me now...constantly scanning the skies, praying for no rain so i can ride.hehe. life can change in a heartbeat.
I shall leave this here for now. I have an exam in 2 weeks. is anybody else sitting for the FR exams?

ZH

Whats next?

2007-05-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

I'd like to thank everyone who were involved in the Walkathon. People who walked the walkathon, volunteers who stayed up all night preparing for it, my side kick- Iswandy; for being patient with me, bloggers who promoted the walkathon, Kristal FM and their chatters- for being great! Pictures are everywhere, weehee..

I need a favour from all of you, if you could e-mail me your name and home address as well as your email address to liyana.latif@gmail.com.

I might not be able to say my thank you's just yet. I am in a meeting, at Orchid Garden Hotel. I spent the whole morning meeting delegates from the Commonwealth countries. These people are amazing. The meeting is called COMMONWEALTH YOUTH PRGRAMME PAN-COMMONWEALTH & ASIA CENTRE, YOUTH WORK EDUCATION & TRAINING, its the 8th progress review meeting of ASIA Partners. I am the youngest person in the room. We're talking strategies and action plans. Until 10.00pm, so there goes my football training. This week is a heavy week for me.

Meeting starting!

Red... In red.

2007-05-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

Hello! I've been very busy. I promise a nice long blog next week, after my walkathon. Would you like a deep sentimental one or are you sick of it already? Hehe.

I went on rampai pagi this morning, I've never had that much make up on in my entire life! Check out Borneo Bulettin, page 12. My cool 'Monsta' t-shirt made it to the papers.

See you guys tomorrow, in red.

Walk with us, walk for life.

2007-05-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

There are 18 people living with HIV/AIDS in Brunei, 30+ reported cases. What do you know about HIV/AIDS? What does your child, your teenager or your neighbour know about it? Everyone is at risk. Everyone.

There is a large proportion of young people who are not concerned about being infected with HIV. A multifaceted approach to HIV/AIDS is prevention. Individuals, peers, families and schools should be more supportive in reducing the incidence of HIV/AIDS in Brunei's small population.

On SUNDAY, 27 MAY 2007
SET your alarm clock early. HAVE some breakfast. PUT on something RED. LACE up your sneakers. MAKE your way to PADANG SIR’ MUDA OMAR ALI SAIFUDDIEN. BE there by 6.30am. WALK with us. WALK the free walk. WALK to show that you CARE.

WALK for LIFE. YOU need to know the facts. YOU will make a difference. WE need YOU to walk for YOUR life.

As the Honorary Secretary of Brunei Darussalam Aids Council and the Chairperson of Walk for Life, I strongly encourage all of us to join hands and support this cause. Do walk with me on sunday, ask our volunteers to point to where I am.

See you there!

What is fidelity?

2007-05-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have a beautiful sight, out my office window.

Sitting in my new office, just having put down a novel that I am deeply and truly in love with (Thanks, Didi). I have spent the whole morning realizing the deepest truth on paper. Some things that I can’t describe, written so beautifully on paper. Paolo Coelho, you are a beautiful writer. I haven’t had the time to read novels. But this one is an exception. These novels inspire me.

I am tempted to make a book review- but I’d recommend everyone to read ‘The Zahir’. I won’t give it away too much, but it is about a writer whose wife left him, literally left him without explaining, without a trace, without a note. He looks for answers.

How faithful are you to your loved ones? Let’s be honest here. We don’t own our lovers. They decide on their own. Sometimes we do get to make them say yes when they would really rather say no. But that is only sometimes. You find yourself doing the same too. You give in; you end up following what your lover says. But that does not signify that you are too faithful.

What is fidelity, nowadays? Truthfully and honestly, whoever you are, tell me, and ignite me with your thoughts. In my opinion, you can only be the most faithful person in the world, if you find yourself faithful to God as well as your religion. Because, when you are that way; you have enough will to stop yourself from straying because you are scared.

I have one difficult question, and I will answer it on behalf of myself- for your own relief, just to remind you that I am completely and utterly human. If there was a choice, would you rather find out if your lover is falling in and out of love/lust with other men/women while they are with you?

I wouldn’t want to know. Because, if I found out, I would put too much effort into trying to find out what it is about me that cannot be enough for him. It is not worth it, really. And yes, it does hurt. Lets all stop pretending that we are faithful too, I mean, to an extent.

For those who have been reading though my posts, opinionated emails and advice that I have gotten- thank you, for making me realize that I have been such a pain. But that is what you get when you find out about your lovers dishonesty. My life path would be a lot different if I did not find him with another woman on the night where I decided to not watch DPMM FC play. I once did try to imagine how we would end up, if I went to watch the match, would he still pretend that he slept through the evening? Maybe, he’d still be with me and maybe he’d forget about her. Maybe I’d find out sooner or later. Maybe his love for me would reborn and he’d forget about her. But then again, maybe, he’d stop loving me anyway. Either way, it will never make any sense. I have never gotten a reason, until now.

But what happens when I don’t find out? All of the other things that I have never known about in the past, made our relationship seem ok. They only make me look bad- to the other women. The humiliation, the shame- I can name it all.

When our relationship ended, I questioned my ability to keep the man I love by my side. I kept my cool by constantly reminding myself that persuading him to come back is not worth it. It is hideous. I thought about him obsessively, my friends are sick of it and I justify what happened. I suffered, for weeks. But I have found a morning that I woke up thinking about something else, and I realized that the worst is already over. ‘When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive-I’ll find love again’.

I love being at my state right now, I earn my own money, pay my own bills, buy my own things and drive my very own car. I go out with whoever I want and I can behave at parties the way I haven’t in years. Yes, I know news in Brunei travels fast. I am just a twenty something year old behaving like a twenty something year old should. I definitely am not an angel at most things.

I am sacrificing tonight’s football match, for a big something, for my sweetie.

So, for my macho man; we promise you a good time tonight. For being that special someone who doesn’t bother arguing with me, for being that special someone who doesn’t get fed up with me missing his passes on the field, for being patient, sweet and tolerant. Yes, keep on acting like the world needs you; keep on rolling your eyes and stare at me like you want to kill me. You look adorable that way anyway. Salute!

Daddy's little girl.

2007-05-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

It's Daddy's birthday today.
Woke up at 6am, sent him a birthday message and this is what he replied:

'Thanks lai. I love you too. Thanks for standing by me thru the years that we had to be together as friends and as father and daughter'.

I don't think I will ever delete that message from my phone. I don't know too many dads like mine. He loves and he cares with all his heart and is not afraid to bare his feelings. I am his almost 30 sumthing daughter and I bet I could still sit on his knee and cry in his arms. Only that I'm probably 30 kgs heavier than the 12 year old who used to be which would make it very painful for daddy's bad knees.
I think a tribute to my dad is fitting today to celebrate his birth and his precious presence in my life.
Uh-oh..another tear jerker of a message. i had messaged him to thank him for being my guiding light during my darkest days and my soppy dad said this

'That's what real friends are for. I am very proud to be your father'.

I am not ashamed or embarassed to reveal that my tears are flowing freely now. I feel lucky, I feel proud and I am just so grateful to be able to have such a beautiful tender exhange with my father.

Things have not always been rosy just so you know. My parents went through a horrible divorce. Everybody knows this. My dad has had his fair share of bad luck and has stumbled in his efforts to be a parenting role model. But he has never wavered in his efforts to try..Being older and wiser, I have learnt to appreciate his strengths as a father. Accepting his weaknesses are just part and parcel of loving I guess. In any event, he certainly overcame them with time.

His union with mum may not have lasted as long as they dreamed but they must have done something right. They've managed to equip their children for life, given them a solid education and instilled all the right values in their offspring. I can only hope to be able to do the same with mine.

I'm very proud of the fact that despite the breakdown in my family struture, we are still very much intact as a family. I have always said I don't care much for labels. I came across this saying 'any man can father a child, but it takes someone special to be a dad'. It's true isn't it? It's what you make of it. It's what you do that alters a person's perspective of you. And I believe with all my heart that if dad aspired to be anything in this world, it wouldn't be to become a hotshot VIP. He'd just want to be the greatest father in the world to the 4 he brought into this world. And i'll be damned, i think, he has finally achieved that..

So Dad, I may or may not show you this tribute but it doesn't matter..You ought to know, you are a good man in every sense of the word. I am proud to have your blood running through my veins, I am proud to carry your name and I thank you for the privilege of having you love me, no matter what.

Happy Birthday Daddy Cool.

ZH.

xoxo

Ice box where my heart used to be.

2007-05-06T07:17:00.000-07:00

Me, presenting to the Prime Minister of Singapore and Ministers of Youth and Culture, of all ASEAN Countries- in Singapore.

I am sitting watching my little siblings make a fool out of our cat. No matter how much they love the cat, they still spend hours watching the fish in the aquarium. They know, they can string the cat along. My brother stuck a long bow onto my 2 year old sisters’ pajama pants; the cat is chasing her frantically as if catching the bow is like competing for a trophy. My 2 year old sister is running, screaming, jumping and laughing her heart out. The cat gives up and stares at the fish too. The fish doesn’t need to do anything horrific or splendid to be an attraction, it is a beautiful creature, just the way it is. The fish, they know they can’t touch- the hassle of getting the top of the aquarium off, getting your hands wet and jerking every now and then when you get to touch it. It’s a different kind of rush when you play with the fish. The fragility of the creature, knowing that she does not have 9 lives to spare; is something so peculiar to know. The fish is so grand. The cat is all around the house.

Where am I leading to all this? Good question. I am not the cat. Neither do I want to be that dumb fish with pretty colors on it, something with a 3 second memory to be proud of. The answer is, I am not going anywhere with this. Neither am I with my very own devastation.

The kids have given up playing with the animals, they’ve started dancing to ‘Dora the explorer’s’ theme song on a DVD. As I type, they’ve started doing forward rolls. Its funny, they change activities in a split second during playtime.

As I watch my bigger siblings bully the little one, I hear myself telling them to slow down because the 2 year old has decided to jump off the back of a big sofa. At the same time, I hear my head asking me where I am going with all of the drama in my life.

I accepted a coffee invitation, with someone who broke my heart. I walked towards him; not looking like my heart was still broken. Because it’s not broken anymore. It is fixed, but little did I know that speaking with him made me feel great. But that high didn’t last very long because I later found that there are some things about him that I cannot accept.

It’s a silly game. All the heart-wrenching conversations, cold silences, showing up at awkward places and pretending we never existed. He’s got a bow stuck on his pants, that other girl is running after it and I am only watching. You stupid cat; you are so lucky I don’t own a dog- it would be an interesting animal to compare you to. I am watching and waiting and writing my thoughts.

For a strong girl like me, to foolishly fall into his traps- unacceptable. I just want things to fall into place. I don’t feel that I need to hide my feelings.

Did you tell her, how you spent an hour, staring at me?

I get over these things pretty quickly. Anyway, i'm off to look for my sweetheart's birthday present. Damai.

People don't change, for no one.

2007-05-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Liar,

Today, someone had delivered some news/gossip about you. I was not surprised considering how I know you so well. I’m sorry to hear that you are being labeled a big liar, ever so quick. I also heard that you have been hanging out with little boys, just to reclaim your youth.

I saw you at a party quite recently; you were standing by the DJ while he was spinning. I was quite surprised that you didn’t show up with your collection of tramps. I hated your shoes; I told you I hated them from time to time. Wearing something with screw drivers on, does scare girls. I felt guilty that night because I had fun, and I can see that you weren’t enjoying yourself because you were struggling to keep up your conversations with people who don’t really give a shit with whatever you are on about.

On the night of my surprise party in Brunei, I saw you in Gadong- driving around with another girl next to you. I feel so sorry for her, because you have been thinking about me. I hope she doesn’t go through your phones. If she hates me, I hope she finds out very soon that you are up to no good. But if she thinks I’m nice, I hope you leave her alone. At the same night too, I bumped into the girl you were with when you cheated on me. She was with another guy- or possibly somebody else's boyfriend.

I’ve been trying to avoid places that you are bound to be at, because I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to talk to you. You have always said you admired plenty of things about me; and I am confident that a look from me will turn your world upside down and as you talk with me you are digging your own grave with your teeth.

I can see that you have been desperately trying to start a new relationship with plenty of girls who are not willing. And I know you are trying so hard to hide it so I don’t hear about it. I think you should stop showing off and start showing them what you really are made of. Keep your wallet at home- it’s the only thing they’re after these days. You will not have anything left of you if your wallet runs dry. You can only be intelligent sometimes, but if you stop being lazy- maybe life will make a better turn for you. Other than that, stop lying. No, you don’t have a yacht. No, you didn’t buy 7 satellite dishes. No, you can’t bullshit girls by telling them you run up Bukit shah Bandar’s 9-hill in 30 minutes. Be logical. You can’t run, not even to save your life.

If you think that you have to be sure I don’t replace you, you are stupid. Replacing you is so easy.

Oh, and you might want to write this down. Guilt should not stop you, someone else should. I think you forgot the part where I am plenty smarter than you.

Try to act cooler when you go to another party, lose the trainers. Don’t be quietly wasted- that’s hideous. Bring better friends, those who, those who like you including your entertaining lies. And when you see me, do pretend you didn’t see me and don’t stare like starring is nobody’s business. Because I can tell when someone is starring.

I also think you should stop bringing your collection of tramps around my place of hang out. I only intimidate them and they run away from you.

Should you cause any more damage to my integrity, I will do many things in my power to shake the living hell out of you. You know very well what I am capable of doing.

I know you didn't forget my birthday either, you just wanted to act like you didn't care.

Guess who's back!

2007-05-01T01:11:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been ages since I’ve posted. I have been extremely busy.

Singapore was great- our demands were met and there will be a feature spread on us tomorrow or the day after on Brunei Times.

I have so much to talk about actually, but I only have a few more minutes on my notebook before I have to leave to another destination.

I had a few birthday surprises in Brunei, and a few more in Singapore. I saw it coming. Hehe. Thank you for all the birthday wishes by the way.

As soon as I arrived in Brunei, my life made a huge turn and I’ve had to settle into a new situation. I am still getting used to whatever I got myself into. I think I jump into conclusions too quickly or maybe I decide too fast. Either way, I’m sure I can make the best out of things.

ZH, I feel for you. You take care and I should be seeing you soon.

Till tomorrow,

LL

A little ranting here and there, otherwise- I'm GREAT!

2007-04-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

I’m fine. I’m back to being funny and me again.

The thing with me is, I am dangerously and consciously aware of why and how I end up feeling the way I feel. I’m not playing dumb- I know why shit happens. I know I am only seeking fulfillment just to validate my usefulness on earth. But I don’t know how bloody ignorant and insensitive a person can be.

It is extremely frustrating to be looking into someone from the outside. Sometimes I know a person better than he knows himself. I can tell their purpose in life and I am watching them make their mistakes. As much as I want to remind them what to do and what not to do- it is not worth it. I know what they’re is looking for, I know what they’re trying to avoid and I am aware that they do not know that they cannot walk out of their destiny, make mistakes and answer for their success and failures.

When you are still alive and well, instead of marching around doing no good and absolutely nothing- at least try to be a better person. Try. Otherwise, I am just too good for you.

Enough with the whining.

Purest feelings- have you ever had a moment when you just know what you’re feeling is pure? It might be satisfaction, your relationship with God, love felt at the sight of your new born child, forgiveness, happiness, honesty, unconditional love or compassion. Things you truly appreciate, things you regret and things that make you upset. I haven’t had that feeling in ages, I’ve been numb and I know I keep on doing it. The last feeling I allowed myself to feel was the purest feeling of pain. I am still afraid. But gradually, I felt better and better. I would love to lose my world into another person’s world and I want to be happy when I do it, happy just to be in his presence. I want to be content again, I want to be calm and smile about everything. I’ve been so distracted.

I have always been distracted and I am just so sick of it. I confuse my self and my partner in relationships, my ego is exactly like Mr. Universe 2006’s, I must win, I must write long letters, I am demanding, I can’t make up my mind most of the time and I usually mess things up because I jump into conclusions and I am insecure. Although I am slow at the matters of the heart, but when I’m sure, I am sure. There has to be a great level of tolerance from a man. I never make an effort to call or make an effort to do anything. I love spontaneity, I love hanging out for nothing. This is silly, it sounds like an advertisement.

One more confession.

I am guilt ridden. My sister, does not buy shoes. She’d rather wear ugly sandals, for months and months until my mum hides them or I throw them away. Or I buy her pretty shoes. She got herself a pretty pair, just a few days ago. Pretty wedges. I am wearing them to work- and she was looking for it. I can’t help it. I’ll make up for it, I’ll get her ugly sandals in Singapore; she’d appreciate it more than a Christian Dior handbag. But then again, I let her take or borrow whatever I have anyway. So I guess we’re even. I’m sorry, Stacey Gladys dark haired big bird. I love you.

There’s football at the Stadium tonight, a must see. DPMM should give me their t-shirt as a gift, as I am very loyal supporter and I am faithful and emotional towards their matches.

P/s: I left this post for about half an hour to run errands outside of my office. Bumped into someone, someone who used to make me go loco. Sigh. What a beautiful distraction.

By LL

Teach me how to become the bigger person.

2007-04-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

I’m getting into a habit of falling asleep with my laptop and pieces of paper around the bed. I only wake up feeling so groggy and a little bit grumpy. I feel like shit more often then not, but I recon that I will come out the other end alright. As much as I wanted to be with him happily ever after, I always end up getting hurt. I don’t know. I’ll be the bigger person, I just need to be strong enough. I am strong at other things in life, believe me. My broken heart will keep on reminding me that sometimes I will miss him and sometimes I wont, but thinking of him is just a never ending force. Sincere and honest truth, there is only one person who can fix it- the one who broke it.

I am always holding back and I am always wondering when it is that my heart will be whole again. I don’t know when I will heal. I’ve learned what my limits are and I know my capacity to love. I’ve learned what I want and don’t want in a lover, the character I find attractive and what I can’t live without. I know that you need to go through trial and error to learn what we really want in relationships, and apparently it makes all our heartbreaks worth the pain. Alhamdulilah, being alone, I realize things about myself and I am forced to confront my own role in the demise of what I cherished.

Despite having these feelings hitting me, I know it will pass. I know he is in no shape to deal with anyone and that its futile to try and force him out of it. Special thanks to my therapist from Melbourne, Dr Yambu-Meha (yes, Mi, THANKS- I needed a slap in the morning). I had to wake her up with my dreadful messages. My week has been a series of dilemma anyway, and everything that has happened for the past few days have contributed to feeling like crap today. I have no drive and determination whatsoever to work very hard.

Do forgive me for ranting away. I am kind of missing the optimistic side of me. I keep on reminding my loved ones about balance in life, but I do admit that my own balance is off. I am stressed out; very stressed out in fact. I am to a point where I’m not sure how to sort myself out because I just have so much to do and so little time. I haven’t had any television (apart from football on TV and 10 minutes worth of news over breakfast) for almost two months. I’ve had no time to read the papers, delete and reply messages, reply e-mails and I’m too tired to fix my hair.

I do have a little spare time everyday for things I’ve given priority to. Football, 10 minutes of posting, meals and weekends only. Every night after football- I am either on my study table drafting so many things or I have meetings until 10.30pm. Saturday mornings, I work at home through evening and go nuts at night. On Sundays, I still go to my office. And I desperately try to fit my social life in my slim time frame. My friends have to literally book me in advance for coffee. I work at a very demanding institution and all the other things I do, I do out of my passion. At the end of all this, I will be truly satisfied with my achievements. I am very tired.

I haven’t been able to come up with something good to write, mostly because I haven’t got the time to think about it. I am hoping for a surprise birthday party this week end or the next. If you’ve been given an invitation- don’t tell me, because it’s hard enough for me to pretend that there isn’t one!

If you love me, or if you are my friend, do get me:

 Football socks.
 DVD- ‘Becoming Jane’.
 A book by Ivana Trump: For love alone.
 Send me back to 4th May, any given few years ago, when things were absolutely perfect.

My cake should only have 18 candles- every year; if you decide to send me one!

I have another two minutes until I get off work and meet Didi at Nail Artz. We will be doing some girly stuff, which means that I have to have another visit to my ATM Machine- which I have been trying to avoid.

I will have a great weekend. I miss you very much.

By LL

Twisted dreams

2007-04-09T02:04:00.000-07:00

My weekends are always crazy. I wake up in the morning with no idea of what to do, and I end up not sleeping at all after plenty of things to do. I did get to sleep from 6.00pm until the next afternoon on Friday to Saturday though. Enough recharging to last me the week end. Had a few birthday surprises for Princess Didi- we managed to sing her a full birthday song at least 5 times the whole day. There was football at the stadium and football on TV. There were hours and hours of talking sense and nonsense too.

We were at the stadium when I saw the last person I wanted to see. It pissed me off watching him walk like a bloody commando; so much ignorance in his face. I could only smile back weakly and you can see uncertainty in my face. But hey, I was looking down on him and there was a beautiful man looking out for me from where we were sitting. Thank goodness the rain made us leave earlier. It’s not that I had nothing but contempt; it’s the sight of him that makes me feel uneasy, tricked and fooled.

I never really had the chance to tell everyone around me why I feel the way I feel, I’d rather keep that to myself, and tell you how I feel instead. It’s like trying to get a goldfish to remember the alphabets; sadistically impossible. I feel trapped, I feel cheated of his words. At the same time, I am fascinated of the kinds of feeling I experience; experimenting new highs on how hurt you can get even after so long. It is absolutely ironic how I manage things this time around. He’s made a part of my life some kind of hell. Thank you, but you can stop now. Whatever your game is, whatever race you think you are winning from. If you really thought that you’d get a trophy by the end of it, you are wasting your time. It is hard enough for me to keep beating myself up for dreaming about him when I sleep. Last night, I dreamt that his tongue fell off while he was talking to me. I looked it up and apparently dreaming of a tongue represents the things I’ve said. I might need to express myself or I might have said too much. Or that person might be lying about me. I’ve been having recurrent dreams about snakes too, which is disgusting. I can feel my fear in my own dream when I look at the snake. Apparently it means that I’ve just lost a loved one. It can also symbolize poisonous words and innuendo of the people around me. Enough is enough. I’ve tried so hard to cure myself mentally. It is interesting to know that my sub-conscious is making up for all the things I want to ignore, it’s tricky how it shows in your dreams.

It’s funny how I had always hoped that things will fall into place in no time. Reassurance is all that I really need. There are powerful verbal understandings from my beautiful ladies, though I do chose who I want to listen to. There’s Biawak bini who comes up with theories and plans. There’s Princess Didi- who tells me to sod off. There are the two hairy girls in Melbourne who has my back, whatever I chose to do. There’s ZH always giving me the best of hopes. There’s my sister and my mum who are constantly asking and answering. Other friends just give bad advice. Other friends think that I’ve given up eating or I’ve turned into a major hot vixen with men left and right.

But there is one silent agreement between me and the macho man. He probably doesn’t want to know and I probably don’t have much to say. From the way he brushes his hair back with his hands and the way he rolls his eyes on me, I know he understands and he does not want to tap on my sensitive side. I am thankful that he is always there when I need him, I am thankful that we always end up at the same place and at the same time; for no reason at all. We live in two completely different worlds but we seem to agree on the same things, same plans, and same beliefs. He’d rather hit golf balls and I’d rather write. We have a good relationship on the pitch where we usually end up at the same team or sit by the goal post and talk about boring things. We accuse each other of being too secretive and it is pretty hard for us to talk about our troubles. He understands that my emotions are not well acquainted at an alarming rate. It is fear, fear of myself, fear of how my heart wants to reach out to him when I catch a glimpse of the well hidden unhappiness I see in his eyes.

After what has happened to me, how am I sure that any man is a type of man who can lose my heart? I am almost certain that every man can rip the same heart to pieces. I will always go back to square one. It’s the flimsy pretences of promises and trust that I find very distasteful.

The pain of losing someone you loved is overwhelming, isn’t it? You are deeply scarred and confused that you must read between your own lines. Somehow I do understand some things I decide to do. After all, nobody has the right to stop me. I am not hung up over my past- it’s just the pain still talking. I am still so frustrated that I cannot write how difficult it is to get past this phase. I have moved on with my life, I have better things to do and I see a lot better. But 5 years worth of memories are a lot to manage. It makes me so afraid of trusting another person; I am too scared to get myself into another big mess. If he saw that void in me that made him pick another person, I have all the reason to believe that someone else might find it and I will never really know what it is. Because I don’t seem to understand what is so wrong with me. Physically, I think I am alright. Maybe I am too opinionated, maybe I am extremely bossy. But what I was 5 years ago, I am still the same person, but a lot wiser and older. I have responsibilities. I have bills to pay, I have work to do, I have a dream to follow and I have a life to manage. I cannot baby anyone; I cannot read anyone’s mind. You know, the success and failure of a relationship doesn’t really just come from one person. The other person has temptations and needs. I might have not been able to cater to it, but with my hectic lifestyle, you cant blame me. Anyhow, after all this while, I always walk out of my hectic day with the feeling that the world is always full of stimulating things, and I am fortunate to be alive and to be able to find out about them. I’m not a dull person nor am I a gushing silly girl who finds everything in life too good to be true. It is just so unfortunate that I can be too sentimental about a few things.

All my stories may be nourished with the realities of life, but truth is, I only want to satisfy my nameless longing. People are afraid of deaths, accidents, misfortunes etc. I am just another person who is afraid of heartbreaks, all with my excellent reasons; though my reasons are not to be compared to chaotic terrors. There can be worse things in life, but you must be so aware of your soul’s stability because nothing feels the same. You’re feelings are not as simple as love, happiness, trust and pain. It changes you, it shapes your soul and it teaches you things. Am I making any sense?

Damai~

By LL

An angry one from me. Wake up world.

2007-04-05T01:46:00.000-07:00

I do not believe in mistakes. I do as I please and if that fact displeases some, I apologize, but I cannot easily please everyone. At the end of the day, you do what is best for you, you do what is as right as possible with choices that are available to you. You benefit yourself and your conscience. Do you not find that it really doesn’t matter what people think? Public morality- its not necessary. The human race; every single one of us- we all have an evil side. We satisfy our greed and selfish desires, even to a point where you dismiss anyone else’s concern. We humans tend to hurt each other from time to time, even to the extent of hurting people you love, people who hadn’t wholeheartedly-deeply wronged you. The survival of the human race now is like a hunt for satisfaction.

Beauty, love, relationships- I know far too well. For some people who can’t see, they really cannot see, because they really don’t care. What is priceless to some people, can be valueless to others. I am intensely sorrowed by the state of the world, people are suffering from troubles which are caused by hypocrites. Everyone is a hypocrite every now and then, I’m not saying that I am not a hypocrite. I am human, therefore I don’t practice what I preach because situations can change your intentions. Maybe I am speaking insecurely about hypocrites; a normal human being talking about hypocrites. Lets have something easy as an example. If I say that gossiping is wrong, then I support rumors and scandals, that doesn’t mean that the intention ‘gossiping’ is now not true. I mean something more qualified, such as ‘gossips that I disapprove of are wrong’. It doesn’t matter really- the point is, even if I am a hypocrite, it doesn’t follow that the intention that I declare is wrong. This idea is not guilty by association with a hypocrite; the fact is , you don’t follow your own argument and you don’t live up to what you preach- doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with YOUR argument. Hypocrisy is just a moral failure, it doesn’t mean that your arguments are false. You assume that whatever you don’t preach is wrong, that it is not logic. There may be many many reasons out there for you to disapprove of whatever you dislike. But it does not mean that it is ridiculous or wrong. So I guess it is now okay to be a hypocrite because everyone has been through a phase where you change your mind about something. If you don’t want to be commented on being a hypocrite, don’t voice your choices out loud. Learn to put a cork in it when necessary. Because it does upset people. What is the world coming to?

I find it so impossible to see the generation who are about to inherit the earth. When will we ever establish real justice, fairness, make peace and as clichéd as this may sound, save the world? Even if everyone turned into angels, everyone stops being hypocrites and liars, it will still be impossible. Because there is just too many of us. When will everyone start to make up their minds? Go to school if you’re not in school and you should be in school, get a job if there is nothing wrong with you and you don’t have anything to do, go do some kind of sport if you don’t have any discipline, stop bitching about other people if you are an idiot yourself. Wake up. I am frustrated by ignorant people. And I know plenty of them here in Brunei.
There is only one kind of hypocrite I loathe. Judgmental ones. If you hate someone, then, you should stick with it. Do not act friendly with them, do not pretend to be their friends, because that is hurtful. These kind of people are sick people. Backstabbers are idiots. Excuse my language. You bitch, you moan and you whine about a person and you swear on your grandmothers grave that you do not have a slight pang of jealousy. You compare yourselves to the subject and you consider yourself to be superior. You pick your friends carefully so you know your friends have your back and not backstab you.

Let me tell you why you backstab. You and your circle are so eager to be popular. You are insecure and you are jealous. You have no reason to backstab anyone if you are not better yourself. You have no right to talk nasty behind someone else’s back if you are more of a nothing compared to the subject. Yes my first few lines are such a typical formula. Here’s the deal. Mentally, there is something wrong with a backstabber. Your situation makes it easy for her to backstab you. Though you set the bar, there is no law that says you’ll be put in prison if you backstab- only worse cases count. You can hear someone mutter a comment about you or someone must have told you. That person is not smart enough because we can always write off the comment as a lapse of judgment. We’ve all had our fair share of saying things before deliberating what you really want to say. Why do backstabbers do what they do? I am compelled to identify the faulty mechanics of a backstabbers mind. Backstabbing is a poor choice and it is also deliberate. It is an infection and it will kill you. When you backstab someone, you feel like it is an opportunity, because it worked for you before. Backstabbing is a habit and you are sick in the head if you like doing it with your friends. You only backstab people you know in real life. Sometimes you share that hobby with a friend.

If you always start sentences with ‘OMG You know what! Kau tau apa!! Si bla bla cemani cematu’, you are emotionally crippled and you are not whole. You backstab with others instead of confronting because your preconceptions are threatened. There is a package that comes with backstabbers. You are traditional liars, you are fake, you have no confidence and you make up things in your head to make believe that you are perfect. We should feel sorry for these kind of people, they are shallow and they are not smart at all. Once you confront them, they deny everything. I don’t blame anyone for trying to save their asses; feel free to be the biggest coward in the world. There is nothing you can do if you are born emotionally crippled and if your birth certificate says ‘backstabber’ instead of a running number. I feel sorry that they are so thirsty to compete with others, I feel sorry that they have to jerk from corners and produce loud phrases just to get heads turned. I feel sorry that they realize their sickness and that they cannot stop. Find that balance in you, because you are just a filthy sack of earwax if your mouth is dirty. Look at yourself in the mirror and apologize to yourself, shame yourself in your own reflection. Scare yourself because karma will eventually catch up.

Damai.

By LL

We must become the change we want to see, or get stuck in a traffic jam like me.

2007-04-04T01:47:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a Wednesday!

I usually get up at 5.30am, take my sweet sweet time getting ready and have breakfast with CNN. Usually after a while, they tell you news which are worth ignoring. I usually leave home at 7.00am sharp, just in time for the local news on the radio and I reach work just before they let me sing.

But today, despite an early night last night, to my horror I got up at 6.42am. I was ready to grab my handbag and drive to work in my pajama’s yang inda matching. The sun was already out, my blinds are really light and it is impossible to not get up before the sun comes up. I had to get ready in 15 minutes, but you know how girls are- my time management sucks. I managed to have my hair dried, my clothes matched and all work documents in one piece. That was until I realized it was already 7.20am. I drove like a maniac just to end up in a horrible-once-in-a-lifetime traffic jam on the Jerudong hi-way. It was a good half hour though. I got to wave to a few friends and colleagues on the road (which is a relief, I didn’t want to be the only one who was late). I managed to sing, put on some make up, clean up the mess in my car, discover a few treasures in my car even. I replied to many many text messages I never had the chance to reply to and now my phones are going off like a fire alarm.

I’m not so bothered about turning to work late, workplaces should issue you a few coupons that says ‘today, you can turn up late, because you’ve been a good worker the whole month’. But I do feel really strange if I do show up late. No, we don’t have punch cards. Yes, they unlock the office door. And I have someone to pick up my phone, read my letters, my mail and come up with excuses if I am missing from my office. One thing that pisses me off though, she has a habit of scribbling smiley faces on post its, on emails and in my diary. Smiley faces must die.

So here I am, on the computer. Its already 4.50pm (no, I didn’t just get to work, I needed a break! Work ends at 4.00 btw) and I felt like I was drowning with my workload. I had to cancel all my appointments today so I can concentrate on this one publication which needs to be ready by Friday. I’m not even halfway through yet. Apart from that, I have not been able to check the diary today, read or reply to any e-mails, read letters that have been read by someone else, and I haven’t said hello to the fax and photocopy machine. My shredder is my office boyfriend. He shreds neck-tie’s too apparently, so it says on the caution section of the machine. So great at making myself sound like the busiest person in this establishment- the first thing I do is log on to my msn and friendster. I get carried away with it too.

I just went through my itinerary for Singapore. I thought I’d be able to go shopping or even go hang out. My itinerary is a tear jerker. My day starts at 8.00am and ends at 10.00pm every single day (including Sundays). But I get to meet the Prime Minister on my birthday. I have at least 6 speaking days. Four difficult things to talk about. But hey, I’ll do us Bruneians proud. Show me someone who is more enthusiastic and driven than this Bruneian? I will be speaking on a podium in front of all Ministers from the Ministry of Culture Youth and Sports in the ASEAN region. ‘Be the change you want to see in the world’, a quote from Mahatma Gandhi or ‘we must become the change we want to see’. I will be stressing on that fact, I find it absolutely true.

Ngeh. I’m writing and rambling, I don’t have a point. I think I’m only entertaining myself. Though, I do have something I think is sort of dim. Apologies. I think, that most of the time, saying ‘sorry’ is just a weak attempt at justifying the pain caused by something we don’t really want to immediately take back. Apologies are not a withdrawal of something nasty you thought you meant, I think that they are just attempts at controlling someone else’s reaction to it. Come on, we all know when we make bullshit apology just because we either have no idea what we did wrong or we’re just trying to soothe someone. I can understand why some people are hesitant to ditch apologies all together. If you honestly don’t mean it, do not apologize. If you don’t feel like its necessary, do stop the hollow ones. Its a lot wiser to just acknowledge what you did wrong, take action when possible and seek forgiveness when necessary, yes? Out of respect, I do say ‘it’s okay’ if someone says sorry, well, its only okay to me if you’ve made a teenie weenie mistake. It really is up to the individual to decide when they should accept the apologies. What good is an apology if you cant offer any explanation? An apology means absolutely nothing to me, unless I can truly understand the motive behind the mistake. I would want answers, I would want a darn good reason.

Some people do find apologies desirable, it becomes the right thing to offer. Its become a necessary word in everyday life, unless, you happen to be an angel- which is unusual. Maybe you only say ‘sorry’ to break cold silences. Or maybe it is a preface for making up? Saying sorry means that you have to swallow your pride, though it really has to be spontaneous to be worth anything. Sorry does not heal any kind of wound, it is only a humiliation that satisfies the PRIDE of the recipient.

When we ask for an apology, what we are really doing is we’re seeking to humiliate them. In wars, speeches from great Ministers etc., do you notice that even though you spot a massive mistake that they might have done to the WORLD (e.g. WAR); have they ever said sorry? They are not willing to do so, not prepared to present to the humiliation of confessing an error. They would rather explain, not apologize. I’m not saying that they never apologize though, their apologies are reserved for things that they were never responsible for anyway; just as long as it is sufficiently remote for no personal blame. Apologizing for a war would cost a President his self-worth and leave his rule in a wreck. Its like, there’s no turning back; you would lose authority. Think about it.

My point is, an apology is only worth it if it is truly genuine, followed by the most honest expression of regret and a confession of fault. Otherwise, it is just an implementation for self indulgence. When I demand for an apology, I’m not looking for it to heal me as a prelude to understanding. Instead, we should hope to see them degrade themselves. There are only a few things that can really grant you a successful apology- regretting your actions, taking responsibility and be willing to fix the situation. Make sure you are actually accountable for a problem before you try to solve it with an apology, don’t do it because someone else make a wreck.

You might find me to be insensitive or even emotionally restrained. I’m not. Every person in this world has a self value and you must know what you are worth. These are the bars that I have set for ME, though I write this, to strike a chord to everyone reading this. You need to realize that you cannot discount on some things in life. Fist your hands and bang your table.

So, okay. I can’t decide if I should watch football at the stadium later or study. Maybe I’ll study tomorrow and watch football today.

By LL

I think you wouldn't want to read this because it is booooring.

2007-04-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

Despite a good Monday, I’m not settling in very well today. I overslept a tiny bit, and it was a bloody slow morning. I don’t mean to sound so grumpy but no matter how human you are, some people are just so thick headed, stupid, arrogant and ignorant. I think I get why we can’t see past superficiality. It appears that many people believe that the person whose opinion is different to theirs is stupid, but I don’t work that way. You make yourself sound like an idiot and you act like an idiot just because you are crazy for attention- you are stupid. But then again, surely those stupid ones don’t think that they are stupid therefore if they are unable to know that they are stupid then it would also make it impossible for you to tell if you are stupid. So how do you know that you are not the one that is stupid and is unable to know it, and not them? If a stupid person can’t tell that they are stupid and actually thinks that they are intelligent? Hehe. That was fun wasn’t it? Was it hard to keep up?

Lets talk about practicality today. Everyday, each and every single person on earth must make decisions, just any kind of decision. I just had a tiny pang of intelligence in my brain- philosophers have spent most of their lives providing plenty of insight on how to live and how not to live, how to think critically, how to make decisions and how to think through your actions for better decision making. They’ve made our lives less stressful because they have provided us with some guidance, something to shake us, something to believe and something to follow. But it is true, whatever is not examined, is not worth living. Philosophy is your guide as to what directions to take in life and it also teaches you how to react.
Wisdom and philosophy should be important to you. I did ‘Theory of Knowledge’ in college. I’ve learned that reality is comprised of definitions of our individual moral conduct, the aesthetics and the metaphysics of our daily life. You must always use the logic of reason because philosophy attempts to define scrutinized knowledge. Your work, your life, or whatever- philosophy is practiced. It’s a useful way of evaluating our own personal decisions and outlook from time to time. Especially with life’s biggest questions.

What in the world am I blabbing about? Haha. This post is so boring. I’ll come up with something better to write later lah. Can’t wait to play football.

By Biawak. By LL okay...

Make up your mind

2007-04-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

I’m surprised I found time today to put up a post. I’m just waiting on my green tea to cool down before I really feel like working already. It’s a great Monday, as far as the day has assured me.

I had a phone call from the Ministry of Culture, Youth and Sports today. I’m off to Singapore for the ASEAN Ministerial meeting on the 22nd of April as a speaker, for the rest of the month. I am beyond delighted- giddy to be exact. I will be preparing like mad and I will do well. So that means that I will not be celebrating my birthday with friends and family- probably with strangers only. No biggie though. What’s a birthday to me when there is only one person I’d really want to celebrate it with, and that person, can never, ever make up his mind.

My week has been crazy, all the sleepless nights are catching up on my nice Monday. I think I need to take a step backwards and relax a little bit. I am so tired of looking for an empty thought. I want to go back to loving comedies and be quiet while watching a movie. Ever since 2 weeks ago, I’ve traded those moments with top-of-the-lung screaming and acting so macho watching football games and DPMM FC matches. I’ve been hanging out with my girlfriends full on. My girlfriends and my sister are all naturally clever, their remarks are often just and amusing. We’d all sit and talk until the sun comes up.

I seem to hate anything quiet now. Instead of jogging alone hearing cars pass by, I’ve traded them with football, only football. It’s like I need a constant reminder that there are people around me. I’d rather feel that lactic acid build-up ache, that burning sensation you feel at the end of an intense long sprint. I am due for a long solitary walk, just to think and to negotiate between my head and my heart.

All my days have passed off in the equal indulgence of feeling. I can play all my favorite songs over and over again. Some of my favorite songs fascinate me, I can sit and promise you that every line of that music might have been written for me, until my heart gets so heavy that no farther sadness could be gained; and this nourishment of grief, I apply everyday. The feeling does sink within a few days into a calmer melancholy though. Those pangs, I hate them. Exactly why I cannot stand silence nowadays. I always end up looking for a motive sufficient for any silence I get myself into.

I do feel like with my writings, I’m dropping small hints of everything you need to know about me. This has always meant to be a great secret and I’m sure everyone reading this have been faithfully keeping this secret so by me till the end of this post. If you feel the need to talk about it, go ahead. I am not worried or ashamed of wearing my heart on my sleeve, same with ZH. Though I am afraid that everyone might be taking my posts as a great liberty, in telling everyone what my heart feels like at this particular shot of my life. Don’t expect any sort of explanation though. I am not unfortunate, that you think I have nobody’s advice I can ask. Here, I shall try to hold my tongue.

I cannot bear the thoughts of making him so miserable, as I know if he reads such a thing. He is still so dear to me. He knows, my charming hands- can write many many things. I remember everything I’ve written to him. My sweet letters made us fall more in love with each other. My spiteful writings do piss him off too, arguing with him can make me fall in love with him even more. Yes, my hands, he won’t doubt it. It makes my heart sink within me and I can hardly stand. I’ve been struggling so resolutely against the oppression of my feelings. Its understandable to miss him, but I need to draw a line. Stew in your own mess for a while, and come back to me a better person.

This is short. Because my tea is cool enough to sip.

By LL

Our debut!

2007-03-30T01:33:00.000-07:00

4.54PM:

We did very well. Well done ZH :P

By LL

Our debut!

2007-03-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

2:09pm: we are running through our slides quickly. Insya allah, this is where it will all begin! Wish us luck! We're raring to go!

LL& ZH
xoxo

Can I keep up?

2007-03-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

I want everything and nothing at the same time. I've come to a point where i'm starting to wonder if life is a battle or a journey? You rush, you fight, you cry, you lose. You laugh, you remember, you learn and you grow. Can it be both, can I call life, a journey with battles?

We breathe every battle life makes us go through. You can never run away from what fate decides, you can woe to be the biggest coward and come up with the most rediculous excuses to get away from your troubles. It is a journey when you grow and learn. Easy enough.

Last night. I thought to myself- this is exactly where I want to be and exactly how I want my life to be like. Only right now. In the midst of pealing laughter, under the shadow of our little umbrella by the table, last night- I have decided. My heavy eyes had to look at every single person straight in the eye on our table, just to be sure. I wanted to be sure that things will be OK from now on.

Life is vulnerable, you make choices. You make choices because fate says you have to and at the end of the day, fate has decided things for you. No matter how you feel, be it difficult or not, everything is already laid out for you. Now that is the journey you learn in life. Have you never thought of your 'what if's'?. If I hadn't done this or that, would I have ended up here? You can only think of it so much, because, everything is already laid out for you.

So does it even matter if some of us lack moral sensibility? No it doesnt. The world would be extremely peaceful if everyone made sense. Everyone would love everyone, everyone will be nice and we will all live hapily ever after. Where is the fun in that? We should be thankful that there is a major twist in life. We should be thankful that we go through heartbreaks, we should be thankful that we know hown it feels like to hate. Humans are somehow responsible for each others acts. Everyday different kind of human beings create new evils. But because life is a beautiful journey, you get over all the destruction, you get over all of the rash perversity you blight your lives with. In the midst of whatever pain you go through. You will always see some light that will remind you how things will fall back into place.

Life is fair. Life is always fair. Do not try to correct me. I must argue that life is fair because of all the tiny details you fail to see, all the tiny details that makes life fair. When you are drenched in tears, when you are on the verge of killing youself- are you thankful that you have tissue to wipe your tears away? Are you thankful that you get to die on a warm bed?

If you are starving to death in Africa, with no clothes on, with birds around you ready to eat you, when you start eating sand, are you thankful that you don't know any better? Are you thankful that you are not a university graduate who used to stuff your face in buffets and know what delicious tastes like? Now that is fair. It is fair enough that you don't know what delicious tastes like anyway so it is OK for you to starve to death because you are used to it.

Life is bloody fair. Karma makes it fair for us. And its ok to secretly or outwardly think of nasty things about a person who's hurt you before. Dosa mu, kau tangung :)

You must always have the drive and determination to make things work. You must be ready, you must know what you are putting yourself into just to avoid all your 'oh no's'. You must have dignity in life, do not lose them, because I know some people who have.

There are things you should not take for granted, never forget to look deep within for what it is truly worth. Promises can be a painful torture, but at the end of your troubles, you will trust again, though without the same supplication of a powerful love, and that same inspiring, frightening light of triumph. You will be fine.

It is easy to forget pain and it is easy to remember love.

By LL

What inspires you?

2007-03-27T05:14:00.000-07:00

I've been putting up posts all day. Why? Because inspiration leads to creativity and therefore creation. Whilst moaning to LL viz text about my troubles, I was inspired to write about people who have touched my life. Some encounters were brief yet meaningful, some led to long lasting solid friendships but all in all, they left their mark on me in one way or another.
Whilst in Singapore last year on a work attachment, I met an extremely old man who at 83 years old was still, amazingly employed by the Singapore Courts. I had the honour of sitting with this gentleman, watching him conduct legal proceedings with the wit, intelligence and speed of a spunky 25 year old. He was articulate and eloquent in his mannerisms. The walls in his office were adourned with framed photographs. amazing photographs. I asked him where he bought them He said unassumingly, 'I took them myself'. Turned out, the 83 year old gentleman I was speaking to was a keen photographer as well as a keen traveller. He had in fact just returned from a trip to Canada where he drove around the country, just him and his Mrs! I was amused and also a little embarassed . I was some 60 years younger and his lust for life at that age made me feel I was missing out!BIG TIME! And so, on that day, I made a mental note to broaden my horizons and travel!
Further down the road, I met many more people who inspired me. LL was one of them actually. Working with her back in October made me realise that there are people out there who do want to make a difference. She didn't have to do what she was doing, giving up her time for the work we were doing. But she did and I found myself a partner who had the same concerns I had for social issues and the drive to try and do something about it.
People who have overcome addictions inspire me. People who have overcome loss inspire me. People who pray 5 times a day inspire me. People who survive illnesses inspire me. People who are brave enough to stand for truth without fear for anything else inspire me. People who work hard and reap what they sow inspire me. People who rise upon falling inspire me.
I am fortunate to have met individuals who are sometimes, unknowingly to themselves, a cut above the rest. If not for them and the examples they set, I wouldn't have known, felt or tasted the craving to be better,to push myself beyond the boundaries I had thought, were set in stone.
I can only hope that in this lifetime, I would have at least inspired one person to be all that they can be and more.
Inspiration can hit you like a bolt of lightning in the most unlikely situations! Tell me, what or who inspires you? :)

ZH

How much can your heart hold?

2007-03-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

I would like to warn you, that what I write will be biased, in some degree. And I can be too honest. If nobody in this world has enough honesty left, who is going to do it? Hehe. Let me do it.

Emotions. Women are more in touch with them than men are. It drives you absolutely insane and you will find yourself appreciating the delight it gives you. Some people say that love is just an illusion of the heart. Some say that love is a decision we make. I believe that love is a complete mystery. You only fall in love when fate decides that you do. Love is the single most important impression in our lives, art, literature, religion, relationships and we all get dysfunctional role models and random experiences to guide us on our way.

Though it’s funny how we accept the term ‘love’ to describe a multitude of feelings. This four letter word is like a pledge. Everyone loves someone in an unusual way. You love your parents, in a different way. Your parents love you to death. You love your friends different from the way you would love your brother or your sister. You love your lover in a more different way too. You won’t love your lover as much as you would love your child.

The way you love someone is different too. If your parents are divorced, you find that you can love someone too much, you become too vulnerable. You unconsciously make up for the love that your parents failed to represent. When you come from a perfect family, you love differently too. I do find that you tend to take your lover for granted; faster than how long it would take for a person from a divorced family would.

Because love is such a complete mystery, because I can’t tell the difference whether there is a difference in being in-love or loving someone. Is love a promise, then? A feeling? A commitment? Again, because love is such a mystery- do you notice how much everything around us is so devoted in exploring this feeling? Be it poetry, films, and great literature.

You fall in love with someone because you find them to be a unique soul to you. You fall in love with someone because you find that their history is unique, that they have many endearing qualities, a few infuriating habits and lots of wonderful quirks. These unique combinations of factors- they captivate you. Or, you fall in love because you were infatuated first.

But love is not everything; love is not all you need in life. Love only makes up for many things you lack. If you don’t have love, you will not feel complete. But you’ll live. You find great satisfaction when you have found that someone you’ve fallen in love with. Call it beautiful, take lots of pictures, and be intimate while it lasts. Because when either of you decides that you have fallen out of love, things will become ugly.

Love is the simplest thing in the world. It only has 4 letters and you are bloody sure that you have fallen in love when your spine tingles. People are complicated. Vastly, amazingly, endlessly complicated. Again, love is so simple. Do not abuse the term though. Love does not hurt, love should not manipulate you. Your feelings hurt because there is a lack of love. When you or your partner cheats or leaves because of some reason, yes, you get hurt. But not because love hurts, but because that other person does not love you anymore- or at least something or someone has managed to manipulate and blur how they think of you.

In my experience, feelings have changed the way my old relationships worked. It became too out of control. You never know what is going to come up, and I fucking hate being at the mercy of my own feelings. It’s hard for me to identify my own feelings and talking about it is almost so uncomfortable- getting the men to talk about theirs is impossible.

I think almost all of us have had our fair share of asking for ‘space’. Space is stupid- you don’t ask for space if you don’t know what it means. When you need space, it’s when you feel like you are going through two feelings- love and hesitation. Space is not a key for you to bring a date to coffee bean. Space is not a coupon for you to stray. When you ask for space, you should submerge your feelings until it leaks out for you to understand. When you don’t act very well to your feelings, that’s when you should ask for space. When you have to keep your love away from reality and when you have numbed yourself, that’s when you should ask for space. You don’t have to get into so much trouble to realize what your relationship is worth. Never ever misuse space. Do not use it to cheat. Do not use it to bring a date to coffee bean. Do not ask for space when you secretly want to try your luck with someone else and hope that you can crawl back if it fails. That is when you are called a cheat.

There is no scientific explanation for why people cheat. It is only because they are heartless and they don’t have enough confidence. You crave the thrill maybe? The ecstasy and adrenaline it gives you when you are trying to hide the other woman. The excitement you experience when you are in somebody else’s pants. You do it because your relationship is dead. You do it because you are an idiot. They must keep you and try someone else. That other person is a punk-ass; girls who borrow someone else’s boyfriends are stupid girls. Maybe you have to love someone else to really know how much another person means to you. I don’t know. I know one thing for sure; you cheat because you are stupid. And you can never ever take back stupid.

I will always and forever allow myself to be my self in relationships, which is the most civilized thing to do. You can’t be somebody else. Yes, you may have the same ideal in the very beginning, and it takes two people to work hard to create a good relationship. I’ve felt men try. But when you find me unresponsive and uncaring- you can only do so much. It is because you don’t bloody impress me. It’s when I dress up, look good, smell great and you don’t say a word. It’s when you turn into a complete slob and a bit of a disaster; I will not be attracted to you.

In the end, fear will destruct your appreciation towards each other. When things turn sour in relationships, when you become suspicious, defensive and judgmental- it is only because you are afraid. Why are you so afraid? Because you’ve put on some weight. Because you don’t do you hair anymore. Because you don’t feel sexy anymore. Treat your fears with understanding rather than self blame; treat your partner with compassion rather than criticism.

I was heartbroken. I got used to the pain. Either way, he did manage to make me feel dead. At one point, I did feel like crawling to his door to prove to myself that I am still alive because he makes me feel dead. I have cried, I got over feeling miserable. I was human, I had tears and I was angry. I was confused because I can’t understand how easy it was for him to replace me. But now, I understand. It’s not worth a paragraph if I had to explain why men do it, let’s just say that men can be shallow, they can think from the waist down. Do not try to correct me, because recently, having coffee over cigarettes at my office on a fag break with 5 very wise English men, one thing we came into an agreement on. When a man looks at a woman, there are two things that they think of. It is ‘Should I? Or Shouldn’t I?’ Of course, you will argue that not all men are the same. Yes I agree. Only to a point where men are different in the way they express their feelings, how they show their feelings, how they choose to make their indomee, how they dress. Yes, men are different from each other alright. But men and women are human; when you cheat, when you fall out of love, when you get dumped, you share the same kind of feeling. In that way, we are all the same.

I am still experiencing a writer’s constipation. Somehow I notice that I lack depth and meaning in my writings. This is frustrating. I will post up a piece I wrote a while ago. Enjoy.

PS: Dear ZH, I still can't figure out where I should put the LL. So, I will put it where ever I feel like putting it. See you tonight, X.

By LL

I can become too human

2007-03-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

Hello world.

Lets start of with something light and easy. I've got a writers constipation right now, will probably fix my thoughts after football at 5.00pm (thats when ZH will be on her ehem, lesson, later. Do me a favour, take a picture of her if you see her on the road).

I'm on work holiday- for a week. Its like i've made a habbit of not sleeping for an entire weekend. I think thats what single people do. Kan? Hehe. Anyway, I went to someone's birthday party last night. It was a pool party- though I didn't come to swim, I did go home soaking wet.

My week has been chaotic, and it will not stop. Having so much time to myself, i've discovered that I can do wonders. My walkathon (29th April) needs sorting out, my 3 full trays at work needs some looking at, our new youth council needs some work done too. To add to all that, see my social to-do list:

Attend night out invites
Play catch up with friends
Two movies to watch with two pending groups
One squash game with one person
One Bukit Shah Bandar session with three people
One tennis match with the Human Resource Manager at my office (gulp)
One whole weekend with no sleep with my chicas at our secret location, with hot super-strikers
A date? Maybe.

All of this, before March ends. ZH was worried that people might think that we've gone lesbian together. She is hot, but we both still like boys. We are a match made in heaven- you cannot believe our simmilarities. We have green teabags and feng shui rabbits in our handbags, we can finish each others sentences too. But if we do fall inlove with each other- she will be the man in the relationship, because, she is the macho one (with the bike) and me the girlfriend. Hahahaha. Were both finding me a boyfriend right now. So if you play football, if you're tall and cute- holla at me. Hehe.

I have to be ready for football now.

Why do people fall in and out of love? Let me tell you why- tonight.

I think this post is going to turn up 'BY LLZH'. We'll get it fixed later.

By LL.

Procrastination

2007-03-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

Pro·cras·ti·na·tion n. [L. procrastinatio : cf. F. procrastination .] The act or habit of procrastinating, or putting off.

I am the Queen of Procrastination. Honestly. I am now in a sticky situation. literally. I was supposed to have sent my robe off for dry cleaning last week. I made a mental note of it as far back as 2 weeks ago. At the opening of Legal Year, you must be seen to be looking groomed and polished. I hardly think I will make my mark in a robe splattered with kaya stains from the roti kawins I gobbled some 2 months ago! So at lunchtime today, I will be frantically searching for a laundry place that will take on the feat of drycleaning my robe in record time so I can pick it up by tonight and look half decent tomorrow!
Oh yes, the scooter I was planning on getting has arrived and is now in the showroom. That's the other dilemma on my plate. A mean looking Harley or a cute sporty Yamaha Majesty? Again, Ive put off my bike riding lessons so many times I am still licence-less! I want that Harley but am I ready for it? Sexy Biker, bless him, is excited as hell about his biker chick getting a Harley..but also said he was worried about my safety given my lack of bike riding experience.Aren't I a lucky bunny? I've decided anyhow that I will sort out my licence FIRST and then think about my options. Who knows, getting my riding licence may just be the confidence booster I need to be sure about the Harley. It's just that the appeal of riding an automatic bike is a little hard to resist!
Post later. Sexy Biker is outside and we have to find a laundry place pronto!!!!!!

ZH

P.S: LL, my posts are getting lonelyyyyyyy! where are yours!!!!???

Let's get this party started

2007-03-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

This blog is the result of a really exciting conversation between LL and i at Zone Kiulap one Friday night where we threw about our ideas for our BIG PROJECT. Since I am now pushed for time and I need to tell LL about how to access this blog so she can post her bits and pieces, I will post later on today when I feel I have done enough to contribute something worth reading!haha.

ZH